The Quintessential Poems of ANGST.
Table of Contents
*Oh! The Woe.*
Electricity
Dammit.
*PONDERING DEATH*
Of Weather.
Ode.
The World's Shortest Pessimistic Poem.
Garbage Bin.
Puppy!
Elph's Math poem.
The sea, the sea.
Whack.
*DEATH OF WIVES*
Oh! The Woe (Alice)
Oh! The woe that is my life,
The constant angst, the endless strife,
She refuses to be my wife,
For I'm an idiot.
Oh! This love should set me free,
From sadness and melancholy,
She ignored my apology,
For I'm an idiot.
Oh! That she would reminisce,
Her pretty lips I tried to kiss,
Though every time I'd trip and miss,
For I'm an idiot.
Oh! My breath did smell of brine,
On garlic I much loved to dine,
she left and my heart broke in twine,
For I'm an idiot.
Electricity (Steph)
Electricity keeps things alive.
Who'da thunk it?
So, in retrospect, I had to do it.
I had to pull the plug.
And...
The light went out.
Not figuratively.
The light really went out.
When I unplugged the lamp.
Ouch, I stubbed my toe.
See, electricity does keep things alive...
Dammit. (Steph)
I am cold.
Give me a blanket, dammit.
My life sucks.
Shoot me in the head, dammit.
My girlfriend left me.
She was insane, dammit.
She kicked my dog, too.
Crazy bitch, dammit.
That's my job.
Cause I like it, dammit.
Nothing rhymes with dammit.
DAMMIT!
Pondering death (Alice)
I hate my life, I hate my life,
I wish that I would die.
There are so many ways in which
I could boil, bake, or fry.
I could be patriotic and
Be smothered by our flag,
Or die from asphyxiation brought by
Soldering or gag.
Accidents from parachute,
Mummified alive.
Or finding a nice acid lake,
And taking a high-dive.
I could get eaten by a bear,
A lion - just a bite.
Or loudly try to make my way
Through the Bronx late at night.
Maybe there's a fly-trap, big...
Enough to swallow me?
A scalpel left inside my heart,
In open surgery?
Tried-and-true, hanging's the best,
All I need is a noose.
Maybe disembowled by
A telepathic goose!
Or I could go the classy way,
With just an ounce of lead.
Burn me to a crisp or how 'bout
Microwave my head!
Sports are dangerous to play,
Like tennis and baseball.
A sharp whack on the head is all
You need for death to call.
Irony is great but needs
So much consideration.
Like, I could choke and die at a
CPR presentation.
La Fille Begue has no point but
To cruelly torture me.
Because of its French nature, I think
Death au Fleur de Lys!
Poison's a real winner - you know,
It will rarely fail
So many ways - like turpentine,
Or anthrax in the mail.
Drowning's a sure way to go,
There's no ifs ands or buts.
Others - not so much, like if
I die from paper cuts
A plane crash could plain kill me,
Smashing in a large mountain.
I'd die in the third world if
I drank from a fountain.
I might be on a spaceship and
Explode in outer space.
Or I could pay a visit to
A tribe that skins your face.
I could well die from apathy,
Double-you tee eff.
Or from hearing poems written
By Almighty Steph.
In fact, if I write any more,
I'll surely kick the bucket...
Maybe I'll just stone myself or
ARGH iyayii, FUCK IT.
Of Weather. (Steph)
It is raining, I am wet,
I'm as wet as I'll ever get.
It is storming, I am scared,
I'm a boy scout, but not prepared!
I am slight and I am sick,
My mustache curls, it's really slick.
When in the rain, the drops fall down,
It turns to ice and then I frown.
To fall on ice, you can but lose,
On my butt there grows a bruise.
Oh in the rain my problems grow,
Now if only it was snow...
Ode (Steph)
Ode to death.
Death sucks.
I swallow.
The end.
The World's Shortest Pessimistic Poem (Unknown)
Hope? Nope.
Garbage Bin (Steph)
The waves are crashing
So is my head.
Damn, I have a headache.
All from that stupid
Salt water sea.
This doesn't rhyme.
Wait.
What's the point to
All this?
Life?
The universe?
Everything?
Who knows.
This poem?
One word.
Garbage bin.
Oops. That's two.
I quit.
Puppy! (Steph)
All squirmy and all squidgey,
All blind and bold and warm.
They cannot even swim a stroke,
When first the pups be born.
Their sightless eyes are wrinkled,
Their floppy ears are lame.
They cannot even walk a step,
So here I am, again.
The village well awaits me,
Its bottom so far down.
My happiness cannot be less,
The pups will surely drown.
Elph's Math poem (Steph)
In math class I was sitting,
My teacher was bull shitting,
I'd rather have been knitting,
Than sitting in the back.
His knowledge sorely lacking,
The teaher's brain was cracking,
I sit here, dream of snacking,
And commiserate the lack.
His lessons were appalling,
Manner less than enthralling,
The madness must be calling,
This guy does not know jack.
My parents think I'm failing,
Their tender hearts are quailing,
They try to help me, wailing,
But eventually pack.
The sea, the sea. (Alice)
Oh, the sea, the stormy sea,
You know my misery.
So very old and very wise,
Compared to stupid me.
You are my only friend because,
A jerk I'll always be.
And yet you've never said a word,
So I remain angsty.
You're wavy and you're green or blue,
And sailors feel the same.
They hurl and mope around depressed,
Though it is just a game.
This game called life is only that,
Just play it 'til you're dead.
And now I feel depressed that I might,
Shoot me in the head.
Whack. (Steph)
Oh, to abuse the abuser,
The despicable, trickable loser.
He gave me a whack,
I gave it right back,
Now the sickening bastard's a boozer.
Death of wife # 1 (Steph)
Husband, jubilant today,
Now he finally got his way.
Wife had such a horrid nose,
Could have sworn that it still grows.
Death of wife # 2 (Steph)
Headline: Murder, wife was killed,
Shot and pushed off a tall hill.
Dreadful ending, how she died,
Evidently suicide.
Death of wife # 3 (Steph)
Business running late today,
There's a body in the way.
Wife was driving me insane,
Death was messy - she felt pain.
Death of wife # 4 (Steph)
High-school shop class helped me out,
Wife's mouth soldered, could not shout.
She was breathing still, oh no!
Soldered shut her ugly nose.
Death of wife # 5 (Steph)
Gourmet canning's not a crime,
People do it all the time.
Murder's not so commonplace,
Pickles killed her, left no trace.
Death of wife # 6 (Steph)
Tennis is a deadly sport,
Had wife shouting, "must abort!"
Tennis ball machine was filled,
Launched a barrage; she was killed.
Death of wife # 7 (Steph)
Danish pastries are so fine,
When they're giant, two can dine.
Caution! Please look overhead,
Falling pastries knock you dead.
Death of wife # 8 (Steph)
La Fille Begue is a bad book,
It's not worth a second look.
It is so bad people cry,
Over-exposed people die.
Death of wife # 9 (Steph)
Jumping off a plane is fun,
More effective than a agun.
Such a satisfying splat,
Now the wife is squished and flat.
Death of wife # 10 (Alice)
Ancient Egypt's a real jewel,
The pyramids are really cool.
But one thing that doesn't jive:
Being mummified alive.
Death of wife # 11 (Alice)
Patriotism can be great,
But extremes can make your friends irate.
If you're the kind who'll always nag,
You may be smothered by the flag.
Death of wife # 12 (Steph)
Quebec's a scary place to be,
Results in insecurity.
Riots are quite commonplace,
When seperatists get in your face.
Death of wife # 13 (Steph)
Pride is all so well and good,
But it would kill you if it could.
Quebeckers dead would surely be,
If they consumed a fleur de lys.
Death of wife # 14 (Steph)
Wint'ry chill can be a bitch,
But murder comes without a hitch.
Snow and stuff is really nice,
Unless, of course, you're stabbed with ice.
Death of wife # 15 (Alice)
Disneyland's fun for the gang,
You will surely have a bang.
Parks where you can climb and dive,
Dinos that eat you alive!
Death of wife # 16 (Alice)
It's nice to have a foreign plant,
Though they can make you curse and rant.
Careful, your life will be crap -
If you're eaten by a fly-trap.
Death of wife # 17 (Alice)
Thanks to brand-new medication,
Fear NOTHING in an operation.
You'll be fine, doctors confide,
Unless a scalpel's left inside.
Death of wife # 18 (Steph)
So red of colour, tart of taste
Cranberries cant go to waste
Freeze them for a month in goo
Store in them a wife or two
Death of wife # 19 (Steph)
Telepathic swans are rare
To fly around without a care
They disembowel at first sight
A crazy or annoying wife
Death of wife # 20 (Steph)
Take me out to the ball game
I think sports are pretty lame
The only use than I can see
Is put my wife out of my misery
Death of wife # 21 (Steph)
The carnival is always fun
The circus is like having a gun
You dont need a noose of cord
All you need is a sharp sword
Death of wife # 22 (Steph)
Yukon is a chilly place
Beware of frostbite on your face
Dog sledding can really kill
When youre dragged naked down a hill
Death of wife # 23 (Steph)
If milk you do not like to drink
Of coconuts you should not think
Sit not under a palm tree
For brained by coconut youll be
Death of wife # 24 (Steph)
Voltage can be such a high
Unless, of course, you up and die
To kill a wife without a glitch
Lick the battery, you bitch!
Death of wife # 25 (Steph)
Satan flaps a chilly breeze
The freezer does what it saysfreeze
A bitter way to end a life
Is to deep-freezer freeze your wife
Death of wife # 26 (Steph)
An incline is a scary thing
To die in neutral makes a ding
Upon the car a dent was made
When, dead, my ex-wifes body laid
Death of wife # 27 (Steph)
The treean ever-present threat
Could take you out, on that Id bet
When cycling, rider, please be wary
My wife did crash in it, dont tarry
Death of wife # 28 (Steph)
The bomb-de-fusers are so brave
From all explosives they would save
All of us from certain death
Wife cut the wire, took her last breath
Death of wife # 29 (Steph)
Rotating doors are such a tease
The doorman gods you must appease
A ritualistic wife sacrifice
Would do the job, its rather nice
Death of wife # 30 (Steph)
When moshing goes terribly wrong
Bodies are lost within the throng
When bands of singing they do feign
A mosh-pit mishap is wifes bane
Death of wife # 31 (Steph)
Death by turpentine is cruel
Its generally unpleasant as a rule
A wife can pass by inhalation
Of turpentine to my elation!
Death of wife # 32 (Steph)
Canadian Prime Veal is not
Always what you think youve bought
Wives can become once and a while
A bovine feast, so dine in style!
Death of wife # 33 (Steph)
A wonder of the modern world
When I saw it, my toes curled
Niagara Falls are awesome, whoa
When in a barrel, my wife did go
Death of wife # 34 (Steph)
If in bacteria you soak
Be careful not to prod and poke
A wife I dispatched without a strain
She got caught in a hot-tub drain
Death of wife # 35 (Steph)
Pluto is a faraway place
A space probe landed on its face
But Lo! This launch was due to crash
My wife died and I had a bash
Death of wife # 36 (Steph)
Paper is a treacherous thing
Upon it blood does tend to cling
For paper cuts can kill for sure
My wife, alas, did not endure
Death of wife # 37 (Steph)
Discordant notes on air did jar
My plotting head, for from afar
I planned my latest wifes demise
Once a piano falls, she dies
Death of wife # 38 (Steph)
The sadist waits, for every year
He instills in patients great fear
The maniac did laugh his fill
For in my office, my wife, hed kill
Death of wife # 39 (Steph)
Incompetence is a big problem now
Burglar alarms do not know how
To alarm, but yet have the skill
Of murdering my wife by drill
Death of wife # 40 (Steph)
The irony of this is great
To perform CPR too late
During a CPR presentation
Was when my wife defied creation
Death of wife # 41 (Steph)
A dirty word the shaft is still
It does good murdering it kills
An elevator does make flat
A wife with a satisfying splat
Death of wife # 42 (Steph)
When you cannot kill with a knife
A pesky and annoying wife
Leave her all alone and still
The killer bunnies, her will kill
Death of wife # 43 (Steph)
Henny Penny always said
The sky would fall and theyd be dead
So hear my words, one and all
A globe upon her head shall fall
Death of wife # 44 (Steph)
The toilet is a punctilious beast
One mans trash is a toilets feast
Beware, oh the one, whos afraid not a bit
For the johnll explode in a shower of shit
Death of wife # 45 (Steph)
Cheese if you please its a succulent taste
And even the oldest shall not go to waste
For there are more uses for gouda old cheese
For killing a wife, its a snap, its a breeze
Death of wife # 46 (Steph)
A cut a scrape a minor abrasion
A band-aid will prevent contagion
But beware rubbing alcohol on your poor cuts
Cause it might just kill you, no ifs ands or buts
Death of wife # 47 (Steph)
If your wife will kill you with all her chatterin
Drug her and dress her as Ossama bin Laden
Set her loose on the New York subway
I guarantee you, they will make her pay
Death of wife # 48 (Steph)
Cyanide is such a treat
To kill a wife its pretty neat
This recipe will fast dispatch
Your wife, so quick, freeze a batch!
Death of wife # 49 (Steph)
A toasting fork is such a thing
A murder it will surely bring
For wives will really drop down dead
If this fork is lodged in her head
Death of wife # 50 (Steph)
Haggis is a nasty food
But on this you just cannot brood
It is the perfect way to kill
A wifes required, but not much skill
Death of wife # 51 (Steph)
Peanuts are such fun to eat
They really are a tasty treat
But packing ones are scarier
When wifes will die on a mail carrier
Death of wife # 52 (Steph)
Dentists are a sorry lot
Kill them and you will not get caught
For she will commit suicide
That wife that you cannot abide
Death of wife # 53 (Steph)
A blunt material could hurt
If you were cut up by a curt
Husband with a shiny spoon
In the light cast by the moon
Death of wife # 54 (Steph)
Staple guns are hard to use
But of course they leave no clues
If you your wife youd try to floor
Stable her head to the door
Death of wife # 55 (Steph)
Skydiving is such a rush
But if you dont want to become mush
Stay away from jet plane engines
Your husband so politely mentions
Death of wife # 56 (Steph)
Concerts really are a blast
If the bands loud to the last
Stay at least ten feet away
Unless you want to die that day
Death of wife # 57 (Steph)
Hummingbirds are really sweet
Unless upon a chance you meet
A hungry one with hungry friends
Will you live? Well, that depends
Death of wife # 58 (Steph)
Medieval Times is a cool place
But catapults you should not chase
Perchance you might become a trial
A human catapult for miles
Death of wife # 59 (Steph)
Lunch and dinner go so fast
When pasta is your main repast
But beware of the grabbing limbs
Of spaghettini when the light dims
Death of Wife # 60 (Steph)
The obits are a sad lot
For dead you must be to have got
An article in some small place
Your own obituary on your face
Death of Wife # 61 (Steph)
Elephants are really big
Kind of like a towing rig
The circus is a scary place
When these huge things stomp on your face
Death of Wife # 62 (Steph)
Skiing is a wondrous sport
When you go with a cohort
It's possible that you will die
When a ski lift falls from the sky
Death of Wife # 63 (Steph)
Goths are quite a pierced lot
When holes and tattoos they have got
But be wary of infection
You will die with no exception
Death of Wife # 64 (Steph)
High school is a dangerous place
When shove in a locker you will face
A sandwich from the freshman year
Of an OAC, you die in fear
Death of Wife # 65 (Steph)
High school is a dangerous place
When shoved in a locker you will face
A mad and angry OAC
And then, of course, dead you will be
Death of Wife # 66 (Steph)
Dismembering is really sick
When in Ziploc bags your body sticks
Husband's not so very bad
He's happy you did not buy Glad
Death of Wife # 67 (Steph)
Office supplies see much use
So don't you go blow a fuse
Pencils can do a quick job
Of killing your wife, with a tiny log
Death of Wife # 68 (Steph)
Hockey is so very bold
The stadiums are just too cold
But, most alarmingly the puck
Can kill you in a minute. FUCK!
Death of Wife # 69 (Steph)
When kinky toys will turn you on
Be sure that you don't buy the con
For eaten undies can be fatal
They'll kill the wife that you so cradle
Death of Wife # 70(Steph)
Fashionistas are so funny
Buy yourself some fashion, honey
For in it, I'll strangle you
Cause you're rude...and ugly, too!
Death of Wife # 71(Steph)
Popeye is a brave old hero
He is not some little zero
But beware when he is off
Avoid all trains like a bad cough
Death of Wife # 72(Steph)
Stoves and ovens are a danger
But to microwaves, no stranger
If a head in it is placed
Consider wife to be erased
Death of Wife # 73(Steph)
Reverse IV-ing is a pain
Actually, can provide great gain
When a nurse takes too much blood
To the gound you'll fall with a thud
Death of Wife # 74(Steph)
The Eiffel Tower is a spot
In Paris, where tourism's hot
But don't fall down the stairs you climb
Else wife dies due to your crime
Death of Wife # 75(Steph)
The Guiness Book is cool, indeed
But don't let that lead you to greed
To scuba to the depths, so fair
Ensures that you'll die without air
Death of Wife # 76(Steph)
A moose is such a vengeful creature
Its horns are such a lovely feature
But when it's dead it is so mean
It will kill you, not fast, not clean
Death of Wife # 77(Steph)
The undead are a scary bunch
The boving are looking for lunch
So sacrifice a wife today
With ritual and verse to say
Death of Wife # 78(Steph)
A bubble bath is luxury
Resulting in insecurity
For how could one relax in a bath
Coprised of the acid that thou hath?
Death of Wife # 79(Steph)
A treasured find is a meat grinder
Precious to the lucky finder
A wife you can grind to a pulp
All without so much as a gulp
Death of Wife # 80(Steph)
Drive-by shootings are such jokes
Random violence a hoax
Unless, of course, your wife does die
When a gangsta-car drives by
Death of Wife # 81(Steph)
Good nail care is such a must
Manicurists make a fuss
Filing nails is easiest daid
But worse is sawing off a head
Death of Wife # 82(Steph)
Good old donuts are so fine
On Tim Horton's I love to dine
Timbits are always best hot
Except, when lava-filled, they're not
Death of Wife # 83(Steph)
Detonation is a bitch
I'd rather be dead in a ditch
Nukes are such a pain in the ass
Death by them? No thanks, I'll pass
Death of Wife # 84(Steph)
I get such a power high
When Air Force planes go flying by
Cause I know that on the field
My wife will die without a shield
Death of Wife # 85(Steph)
The library's a quiet place
It really is a book-filled space
Be careful round the narrow halls
Bumped-down bookshelfs really fall
Death of Wife # 86(Steph)
Bubbles, oh! fluffy and warm
Frothy and almost wihtout form
You can drown when your own tub
Is bubble filled, so rub a dub!
Death of Wife # 87(Steph)
Float around above the clouds
In the air where nothing's loud
But watch the ballast, when it's low
With only one chute, your husband will go
Death of Wife # 88(Steph)
If huntsman your dear husband be
Stay away from his hobby
A target at the shooting range
You will become if you are strange
Death of Wife # 89(Steph)
Buses running late today
There's a body in the way
Have to kill a wife again
Must be different...two buses then!
Death of Wife # 90(Steph)
Once again, hunting is fun
Something about trees and a gun
So dress your wife up as a deer
And leaver her shot, like a lame steer
Death of Wife # 91(Steph)
Greenpeace is a noble cause
So send your wife without a pause
To the fields without a pack
To be shot down in Iraq
Death of Wife # 92(Steph)
The legal system is a laugh
Just like a lesson in math
Prosecute your wife for a crime
And she will die or serve her time
Death of Wife # 93(Steph)
A desert island's far away
From all life, you'd better pray
That your hubby dislikes cartoons
And never discovers how to maroon
Death of Wife # 94(Steph)
Jaws was such a pleasant tale
Fins down, he'd beat Free Willy the whale
So when you see a shark draw near
Swim for your life and scream in fear
Death of Wife # 95(Steph)
If fear is not a factor for you
Go on the show, the both of you
But beware the eating task
Choking will kill you, not just make you hack
Death of Wife # 96(Steph)
Schizophrenia's a bitch
Half an angel, half a witch
When these two meet in one night
The result is one hell of a fight
Death of Wife # 97(Steph)
Gerbils are unholy creatures
This, of course, because their features
Don't allow for knee-sock fashions
They'll drain you of all your blood rations
Death of Wife # 98(Steph)
A combination of a fork
And a spoon is called a spork
Don't let your husband near your eye
Or you will, dying, scream bye bye
Death of Wife # 99(Steph)
An unproven and crazy function
Is spontaneous combustion
To see your wife a cloud of dust
Is without a doubt, a must
Death of Wife # 100(Alice)
At first he did not realize
When he looked into her eyes
Though they married on a whim
He loved her, and she loved him