1. Do not drive any vehicles inside the house.
2. Scientific experiments that include plastic explosives are strictly prohibited.
3. Do not attempt to amputate ANY of Ralph the dog's limbs.
4. No attempting to tunnel to China through the basement floor.
5. No flooding the house with water to make a giant swimming pool.
6. No drinking, smoking, drinking while smoking or drinking while smoking from being on fire is permitted.
7. Genetically modifying mice, rats and other household pests is not allowed.
8. Do not put CDs, DVDs or any other metal object in the microwave.
9. Cannibalism is not allowed NO MATTER WHAT.
10. Do not use the weed-whacker on the bushes or on the neighbours' pets.
11. Do not remove the knives from the drawers for ANY REASON.
12. No cult meetings are allowed to take place at this house.
13. Murderers, thieves, derelicts and other lowlifes are not allowed on the premises.
14. No wild parties, dull parties, slumber parties or drinking parties without written permission from both parents.
15. Construction of demonic shrines is not allowed UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
16. Do not abduct the door-to-door salesman, pack him in a shipping crate and send him to Tahiti.
17. No long-distance phone calls in which you impersonate European royalty.
18. Do not staple fingers, thumbs or any toes to anything else.
19. Do not use the lawnmower to vacuum the carpet.
20. Do not hire goats to mow the lawn.
21. Anything that requires fumigation and/or evacuation of the house is prohibited.
22. Use of chainsaws, table saws, hack saws and any other power tools is not allowed.
23. Attempting to rob a convenience store with a water gun is not allowed so DON'T TRY IT.
24. No graffitti or anti-parental slogans are permitted on any surface.
25. Do not play darts with someone's head/body parts in front of the dartboard.
26. Do not lend goods/services/money to ANY escaped convicts and do not harbour said fugitives.
27. Renting out the house to "da pimps and da hoes" for a music video is UNACCEPTABLE.
28. Do not cut wires, close vents, block pipes or do anything to compromise the structural integrity of the house.
29. No hiding illegal aliens from immigration agents.
30. No funding/running/housing of marijuana grow ops ANYWHERE.
31. Do not use the snowblower on roadkill.
32. Emulation of professional wrestlers in word or deed is expressly forbidden.
33. Flamethrowers are not children's toys and will not be operated by anyone under the age of twenty one
34. No archery practice inside the house, especially the kind involving apples on heads.
35. Poisoning of friends, neighbours, relatives or pets is strictly prohibited.
36. Do not hang anyone by a telephone cord, bed sheets, rope or any other materials.
37. Do not booby-trap the house for ANY REASON.
38. Do not use firearms on ANYone for ANY reason at ANY time.
39. Injury/killing/maiming of siblings is PUNISHABLE BY DEATH.
40. Do not set fire to the furniture for any reason.
41. Absolutely NO ritualistic human sacrifices.
42. You are NEVER to watch a movie whose rating exceeds PG-13, without parental consent.
43. Selling one's soul in exchange for powers/darkness/three wishes is unacceptable.
44. Having sexual relations with brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, or uncles is strictly prohibited.
45. You are not to masquerade as a man for the purpose of picking up homosexual prostitutes.
46. Murder should only be committed if the occasion calls for it.
47. Houseguests are not to be tortured, tied up, and forced to watch Titanic for hours on end.
48. Do not practice bagpipes in any part of the house while other beings are present.
49. Weapons of mass destruction are forbidden inside the house, unless they are absolutely necessary.
50. Do not attempt to train the house plants to ingest unwanted company.
51. Practicing open-heart or brain surgery on anyone is forbidden on this property.
52. Bobsledding down the staircase is banned.
53. Takeout is not to be ordered or delivered to our house from the hours of 1 AM to 6 AM.
54. Do not light fireworks with a stove, or in any place indoors.
55. Do not sell time-shares for the garage/basement/closets.
56. Do not practice karate in the living room or parlour. Kitchen is permittable.
57. Do not buying organs on the black market and store them in our freezer.
58. ALWAYS look inside the oven for plastic toys, pets, or eccentric grandparents before turning it on.
59. Do not operate drug rings in this household.
60. No matter how fun, paintball is NOT an indoor sport.
61. Do not lend the house to the traveling circus, gypsies, or the producers of "Destroy My House"
62. Do not spray hairspray on dust bunnies and roller blade over them.
63. NEVER hook Ralph's leash over a ceiling fan and attempt to emulate Superwoman.
64. Do not use a magnifying glass to set fire to ants, Aunts, or Ann's pants.
65. Do not use the waterbed as home plate, especially while wearing baseball shoes.
66. Playdoh and Microwave are NEVER to be used in the same sentence.
67. Superglue is NOT to be used on any device intended or used for sitting, including but not limited to: chairs, sofas, barcaloungers, toilets, counters, booster chairs, and car seats.
68. Garbage bags are NOT to be used as parachutes by addlepated friends/relatives/aquaintances.
69. Cult meetings are never to take place in the family room.
70. Do not put any bird, mammal, reptile, or younger brother in the washing machine's spin cycle.
71. DO not fill bathtubs, the swimming pool, or the jacuzzi with Jello, pepto-bismol, or any related liquid.
72. DO not use Grandfather to test the physics of gravity.
73. Car washer fluid, no matter how pretty-looking, is NOT to be ingested.
74. "Borrowing" ID and pretending to be a middle-aged chinese woman while trying to buy sake is NOT amusing.
75. DO NOT turn the TV into a death-ray.
76. Medieval battle re-enactions are not to take place on our property.
77. "Buddies" from "The Happy Cheerful Place" mental hospital are NOT to be invited to dinner, brunch, or any meal that involves food, drink, or electricity.
78. Kidnapping ANYONE and making them give you their soul as ransom is NOT ALLOWED.
79. Do NOT not to pierce ANY body part of ANY person or animal, no matter how much they want it done.
80. Do NOT sell your siblings to the circus/slave traders/the devil.
81. Cat-bathing is a martial art NEVER to be practied alone, EVER.
82. Finding whether radioactive cats have 18 half-lives is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN.
83. Cats do NOT taste like chicken. Any attempts to prove otherwise are punishable by death.
84. Do NOT invite Michael Jackson to slumber parties.
85. Do not tropical-plant-train the cats.
86. Do not make ritualistic sacrifices to herds of undead bovine.
87. Do NOT Ski, jet-ski, or ski-do off the roof.
88. Muffins are PURE EVIL and should NEVER rear their heads inside the house. Cupcakes are OK.
89. When cooking, rusty nails are NOT valid ingredient substitutes for whole-grain fibre.
90. Do NOT build sentient robots out of PS2s.
91. Do not use classmates to demonstrate how evolution can go in reverse.
92. Mushroom-gathering parties are NOT to hunt on our lawn, especially if they bring pigs.
93. Religion is not a subject to be treated lightly. In this household, you are to believe in the Big Bang theory: God spoke and BANG it happened. Black holes are where God divided by zero.
94. Do NOT call the paranormal association on exorcism, no matter HOW siblings behave.
95. Do not use foam peanuts to replace kitty kibble, baby formula, or Fruit Loops.
96. Do not substitute motor oil for cooking oil.
97. Parental approval is needed for any outfit that you leave the house in.
98. Do NOT attempt world records for ANYTHING in or around the house.
99. Male peers are forbidden inside the house after dinner. Religious and homosexual individuals are exempt from the rule.
100. Do not stay out past Midnight, under ANY circumstance.