1. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! This year, you're allowed to have a pet at last! So you've asked your best friend to get you a: Bird, preferably a falcon. Chickkken! Moo. Armadillo
2. The first guest arrives; your stalker ex-boyfriend. You can take a hint; because you broke up with him, he's signed you up for 10 hours of therapy, for your being: anti-social a neat-freak/nitpick schizotypal obsessive-compulsive
3. As more and more guests with distasteful presents arrive, you begin to get extremely bored. You'd rather: watch Boston Legal for 24 hours. watch your fave anime for 24 hours. draw nekkid chibis on paint-chat draw barnyard animals on paint-chat
4. It feels just like sitting in French class. So incredibly boring. So you start: thinking of ways to kill off 99 wives pretending to pay attention while in reality your mind is a complete and utter void. drawing rather cute anime boys in compromising situations. making fun of teachers, politicians, and annoying clingy people.
5. One of your friends hands you a list of 99 ways to murder a wife. Which is the most distasteful? Falling into a meat grinder. Igh. Hit by a bus (honestly, imagine the mess..) Having your head micro-waved.
6. ...and the worst present of all. A freakin' textbook. Tch, at least it's useful for: kindling stunning deer smacking your annoying and remarkably clingy stalker. smacking your annoying and remarkably clingy twin.
7. While everyone begins dancing to the music of the Spice Girls, you space out, mentally wishing that your favourite holiday was nearer. That is... Visual Kei appreciation day. FESTIVUS! (for the rest of us) Alan Shore worshippers day.
8. The last guest - your best friend - arrives with a signed copy of Quintessential. No pet for you ;_;. You decide that your favourite character is: Wife # 33. Barreling over Niagara Falls, hell YEAH! Diphthong. Sadistic murderer. Elph. Quintessential angsty teen. Carrot. Pizza-boy intern for the FBI.
9. As you flip through the book, a particularily funny quote grabs your attention: "He's here to service the bishop." "Hey! I'm not that young!!" "We're going to take over Turkey and we're going to call it Chicken!" "So, if worms are hermaphrodites...do they wear bras?" "Screw her!...have you?"